Long Time No See...

Sorry it's been so long since my last blog. I was staying at our other housing site, Harbor House and had little/no internet access and to be honest, I was a little depressed last week so I tried to soak up every bit of sleep I could sink my teeth into. Now before anyone who may or may not read this will or will not get offended I want to make it perfectly clear that I absolutely loved the group I just served with. We parted ways this afternoon after spending some off time in the city of San Fran, hanging out and eating lunch. In a lot of ways this was one of the hardest groups to say goodbye to. I've made some really great bonds with people over the last few weeks and I've seen different changes in each group, but this group was very different. Not only did I see life change in the students (and adults) that I worked with this week, but I was able to look inside myself and see some things too.

One thing to understand about this job, and maybe that I sort of just realized is that it's not about me. Growing up an only child and being me I've found this a hard realization. Not that I was parading around in front of my groups like it was all about me, but it really didn't sink in until this week. My job is to slip in unnoticed. My job is to make sure things are running so smoothly that I just kind of fade into the background- and I'm kind of okay with that. Being able to step back, observe and later hear stories about the happenings around the city and the decisions being made by high school students on how they choose to change the world they've been thrown into for a week is amazing. But I also came to the realization that by not having an outlet to pour my thoughts and observations into has caused me to have a bit of a breakdown. Not a huge one, but enough of one that had it continued on much longer I wouldn't have been able to finish out my week.

I've had a lot personally going on this week. I'm coming into the last stretch of the game, and it's almost over, but I've still got one more week left and this in and of itself brings about some excitement, sadness, and frustration. It's almost as if I'm just starting to get the swing of things and now it's over... and here's what I think: That's a good thing. I've lived my life comfortably for so long that as much as it pains me, I'm stoked for the change and uncomfortableness that the next few weeks/months/year will bring me. I still have a ton of unanswered questions about what life is going to look like past April 23rd. I also have some unanswered questions about what life is going to look like this summer, and even the fall. And while that terrifies me, it excites me too.

I learned something else about myself this week. See, I was co-hosting with my awesome boss, Andy (are you reading this...) and what this meant was I lived "alone" for a week. Because Andy came in the mornings, grabbed his group, did their thing, met up with my half of the group for dinner, and then he went home to sleep in his own bed. I went "home" to my little room void of anyone but me, myself, and I. Which is awesome and awful all at once. I've been on my own for so long that I forgot what community was like. Yes, I had my group and got to hang out with them everyday and at night, but at the end of it all I had no one. I've become accustomed to coming home to one or two girls that I can kind of debrief my night with, but this week I didn't have that. I didn't even have computer access to debrief my thoughts with the few of you that may read this. I was alone to wallow in the dark and my own thoughts, and that's kind of a scary place. I'm continuing to understand why God felt like it wasn't good for man to be alone. We're meant for relationships and while I had those to some extent this week, I lacked them in other ways. So I gained greater appreciation this week about my personal need and desire for community in my life. So thank you to those of my friends who help force community on me, because sometimes I can get so caught up in my hermetic lifestyle that I completely forget how much I need and desire you to be there.

So here's what I learned about God this week: He's awesome (given). And although I knew this, and have known it for quite sometime He felt the need to remind me; and for that I'm very grateful. He reminded me that He's always there, and always listening. I had some amazing God moments this week and I'd like to share them with you. I'm grateful for a God who is big enough to love and care for the whole world, and yet small enough to answer even the "tiniest" prayers. I was out with my group this week in Little Italy and we were meeting the other half of our group to go get gelato. The other half of the group had already arrived and were headed into the "gelato parlor" to order and get seats, while we were still circling block after block looking for a parking spot. We happened to drive by the group while they were at a crosswalk and we asked where they parked and they said they paid to park in a lot. We really hated to pay even more money to park in a lot for the limited amount of time we'd be in the store getting gelato so we decided to give it more time and circled around some more- but there was nothing. At this point we decide to drop the students and other leader off to go in and order and I would stay with the driver to give it another shot. The driver just said a quick prayer aloud, "God, please help us to find a parking spot soon". We no more than turned down the next street and a group of people was getting into their vehicle to pull out and leave. What's even more, we were in a 15 passenger van, with "dulies" and the spot was plenty big for us. It was only a couple of blocks away and we were able to get in before the rest of our group had even ordered. God thing!

Another way God showed me that He's here and listening is regarding a personal thing. I was looking for some temporary employment between my spring internship with CSM and my summer internship with EM. At the time, when I left my old job things were somewhat promising, but after some email and phone conversations with them things were looking less and less promising. So I sent a message to a bunch of my prayer warriors and friends asking for their prayers as I really needed this to come through and work out to help save money and take care of expenses before embarking on my summer adventure and no more than a couple of hours after I sent out that message I got an email from my old work saying "definitely plan on coming back to work on April 19th"!!!!! As if my California adventure wasn't enough proof that God is alive and well and listening to and answering prayer He felt like I needed to be reminded. And I did.

Thank you so much to everyone out there who is praying for me and loving on me and supporting me in every way you are. Truth is, I would have had a far worse breakdown much sooner if you weren't always there for me. I know this blog had very little information regarding what activities we did, etc, etc... but this is what was on my heart today so I wanted to share it with you.